The Biggest Hearache

Sometimes in life no matter how hard you try, or how good you are it just isn't enough. Especially when it comes to parenting. The insufferable pain that comes with a wayward child, who takes every peice of your soul and heart and brings it crashing to the ground, every hope, every single dream that you had. No matter what ways you were available, no matter what precautions you took, it just wasn't enough to prevent them from taking their own life into their hands and running thinking they had more answers, better answers, and a law that supported them 100% to be on their own calling the shots for thier life before they really even know what life is.
How do you get past the biggest heartache you have ever felt in your life? It is a struggle that I am going to have to learn, but for right now the pain is just to great, the hurt too deep. I don't know that it is something I will ever be able to make it through, it is a relationship that I feel may just forever be broken. I don't know at this point that I will ever be able to look at the face of my daughter and ever see anything but the darkness and lies of the pain that she caused.
Every single person felt this pain, as her brothers struggle with sleep, and nightmares, and even tears that have yet to dry through an anger and resentment that may never fade. Her Dad as he struggles to focus on his exams coming up to his interprovincial certification that was to help provide for what is now a broken and fractured family that he and I are left to rebuild instead. The family that was shut out, and denied. Myself, with the bond forever broken between mother and daughter.
It is such a difficult thing to take one step and put it infront of the other... it is so hard to keep the faith that things will ever be okay again and still one can only look forward and not backwards...
There are always people that are quick with their critisism's and their advice, but do they really know? Do they see what wasn't theirs to see, there is no way they can understand that it is the walls we built for protection around our family are the very things that are holding us in and drowning us? There  is definately hurt and pain, such little and meaningless words in comparison to the actual feelings, how can I even begin to explain when the words to this heartache when they have not even been written yet?
How can such a feel create and bring about the worst kind of hate towards someone you gave life to? And why does that feeling have to be counted as inappropriate?
I suppose I am lost, and one day perhaps I will discover some answers, best case in my life, worst in the bottom of my grave, but what I know know is so far beyond any hurt and anger that could ever be expressed with the limits of our vocaubulary.

Just random thoughts from a lost soul... thanks for listening...

New Beginnings

Okay so as of late I have been really thinking hard about who I am, and in working through a few things in life, such as the Grade 12 graduation of my oldest child, along with doing a Photo Story and interview on my life with my Neice for her school, I came to realize a few things 1)I had no clue who I was as an individual 2)After my daughter turned a year old, there are very few pictures of me 3) I was extremely unhappy with myself.

All of this has brought out a search inside myself to reconnect, and meet myself again for the first time. Part of doing that is taking ownership of the things I have allowed to happen to my body, things that I have neglected or set aside in my life for reasons that seemed decent at the time. However lately I have been thinking a lot about what will be left for my children if I were to die tomorrow? How would they remember me? Yes I am a great mom and a great friend, but what would they know about me as a person if they wanted to know what I liked to do for me, the things I enjoyed, really anything beyond what my favorite color is? How would they remember what I looked like, because there are no recent pictures of myself. I had to reach far back into my life before I became pregnant at 17, and try to re-examine and explore what my intrests were and what have I been curious about since then along the way to where I am now, but aside from the roles that I play.

First, I started to draw again, I love drawing always have, just for fun, I am definately no Scrimshaw, but I do enjoy simple line abstract drawing. Who knows, maybe I could polish my talents enough to really become something. Next I began quilting, something my Mother-in-law taught me when I developed a facination with the quilts she was always making. It felt Great! They turn out so nicely and I feel so accomplished when I am finished each one. Again they are not perfect, sometimes there is bunching or crooked seams, but I decided they are perfectly imperfect, and that is what I am going to call my quilts as I plan to make and sell them. (Perfectly Imperfect Quilts by Deb) I also cut out much of the pop that I used to drink, as it was really affecting my Ulcerative Colitis, I replaced a pop bottle with a water bottle and haven't looked back at all, I guess I am super lucky, I am one of the few people that love and prefer the taste of plain old water without crystal lite etc. Also as a second step to the drawing and quilting I decided to be more balanced in when I eat, So instead of skipping all meals and then eating one big meal at supper, I began to force myself to have something for breakfast, and dinner; I have been seeing and reading all about protien protien etc. So I decided to make what I ate for breakfast and dinner consist of high protien and fiber items, then eat what I want within reason for supper.

After about a month, I started to notice that my pants were falling down, but didn't think there would be any way I could be loosing weight then about 2 weeks ago I was in Value Village and I saw a scale there, it was the old Doctor kind of floor scale, so I bought it, when I got it home I stepped on it before anyone else was around, hmm it said I was down 30 lbs from my highest weight. I shook my head and thought 'now I know why it was so cheap' As the kids came upstairs because they heard I was home, they were excited by the scale and as they all took their turns I realized it was dead on for thier weights... could it be that small changes had impacted my life in that big of a way that merely begining to care for myself again could yeild a 30lb weightloss?

Yes indeed it was true, and so I decided to continue with small lifestyle changes, so last week was indeed about maintaining, and changing my sleep habits. Early to bed early to rise :) This week is about re-connecting on a deeper level with myself, doing the little things I used to enjoy, like doing my hair, painting my nails, things I haven't done in a long time; not to mention flirting a bit with different kinds of excersize, which will be something I am more serious about next week. I know things will get better, and the weight and inches will come off. I have decided to be realistic about these changes, and my goal is to loose another 45lbs before Keanu's Graduation June 29th 2012! Feel free here to check for updates, and even though I am taking pictures, I don't think I will be brave enough to post the full frontal pict's etc. until there is a significant loss ;) Bare with me, this is a go at your own pace kind of a thing!

I am not who I used to be

So I have been thinking a lot lately about the dynamic of past vs. present and how people view someone. Largely this is because of family issues that have concerned me for years, that now by the age of 35 I am finally starting to think logically about, and then shake my head and no longer let it affect my soul, no longer let it impact my future.

Really people who choose to judge me on my past and not take the time to know me for who I am in the present, do they belong in my life? Do they deserve the time that I give them in thought? Why does their ignorance have to become my problem, especially when I have amazing and wonderful people in my life who do know me, and do love me for the me that I am today?

I have come to realize that teen behaviour is erratic and irrational, and most times teenagers don't give forethought to their actions at least in the way in which their actions and words may affect another person. This teen behaviour also extends into the getting to know who you are in your early 20's and thinking you have life all figured out by 25 only to turn 30 and realize you have finally reached a point where you are Somewhat an adult.... Of course there are always exceptions to every rule, especially because our experiences through life and how we are taught and learn how to handle those experiences shape the person, the type of adult we will become.

As a teenager, I went through my fair share of fights and distancing from my parents, had a baby 2 months before my 18th Birthday, I wanted so much to be an 'adult' and was really no different in the treatment of my parents and others around me than any other teenager really, yet at 19 I lost my dad, we had been fighting a lot, I said some very mean things to him, and he died. The guilt that I had was insurmountable for years, until I had a very wise 80 year old professor at University who helped me work through the events around my dad's death. The adults in my world who were meant to have stepped in and help me through this were waded down with their own grief because he was their dad as well, however their actions and treatment toward me were wrong because they were the adults, they were my family, and they too had been young and rebellious and had taken their time through their 20's and some even their 30's to understand what their parents were saying had meaning, to make their peace and amends and become close again with our parents. At that stage in my life, I would NEVER get that opportunity with our father.. not ever. I dealt with the aloneness, the guilt the best way I could stumble through, I went to University, I went out and Drank, led a somewhat risky lifestyle for 2 years, yes 2 years. When I went out, I made sure My son had what he needed and I left him safe with my mom, I went to University and Held down a part time Job. I was far from useless and "unfit" as a mother, yet some in this family would have that impression.

Just before my 21st Birthday I gave birth to my daughter, a second beautiful and amazing child, she was my wake up call. I didn't go out all the time anymore, I focused more on school, finished the second semester of University, which was as far as I could go in Swift Current (Which I found out only days before registration for Fall Classes began) So a friend and I drove up to Regina for a meeting to find out we still had a lot of classes to take, and would have to take classes IN Regina. I talked it over with my mom, and we together decided for that time it would be better to drive back and forth to Regina, an stay in the dorms for the next semester during the week, and come home on the weekends and she would Keep Keanu and Chloe. That is what I did, that and worked Safeway on the weekends.

After that year was done, knowing I would have to move to continue going to school, I decided I would try transferring credits and moving to Medicine Hat, I went to get everything all set up, child care, school etc. and when I had everything figured out, My children would join me. 2 months later, I was ready for my kids, but had no way to get them there, I was miserable, I missed them a few other details, long story short I called my very pregnant sister and begged her to come move me home, so I could be with my kids. She did. And I drove to and from Regina for a second semester during the weekdays, staying in Dorms to take my classes, and worked on finding a place to live, getting my drivers licence, becoming more independent... Yes I made mistakes but I learned from them, and now knew what I had to do in order to be successful in moving out on my own.

I found a place through low income housing, I would be able to move into with my kids. I took the time off from my job at 7-11 and Wholesale club to go up and sign the lease, Wholesale wouldn't give me the day off, so I quit there, and took a transfer to another store through 7-11. Again, I chose to leave my children with My mom, so Keanu could finish his semester of grade 1 before moving him, as it is easier to move them at semester break. Then one month before I was to move in to my place I met Darcy and really all the rest is Ce la vie, I moved, came back for my kids and we have been a happy little family ever since, adding Gavin and Reed :)

Looking back on my past I see where there were mistakes made, where growing pains happened, and I also know the mistakes I made, I have learned from them, there are always things even as adults that we do or say (mostly say) that we realize we shouldn't have, however realistically we are human, we err. Does that mean we should be judged a lifetime by what we have done or said... when inevitably we are very different people now than we were last year, or 5 years prior to that, or even 10 years prior to that? I have found no one yet that is today, the person I knew them to be in the past, and the ones that appear to be 'stuck in the past' how much do I really know of their present? Enough to comment on their lives? No...... then I don't, Will I voice my opinion if asked, yes, but pass judgement on who they may or may not be as a human being....No.

I am not really sure why this is what I chose to write about, I don't really owe an explanation to anyone, but it frustrates me to no end hearing someone in my family comment on my parenting ability based on what she doesn't see, based her opinion on my growing into my own, self discovery years, not based on what she sees with her own eyes by spending time with or around me or my children. In fact I am lucky if I see or spend 1/2 hour with this particular family member once in a year! I am not sure why I allowed her hasty words to bother me at all, especially since I have people involved in our lives, either directly or indirectly on a daily basis, telling Darcy or I how good of parents we are, how they wish there were more parents like us, From Doctor's to Teacher's, Principal's, to Pastor's from church, to Pre-school teachers. Maybe I just have to learn to let go of the family drama, from their opinions and realize that sometimes words and judgements are based on jealousy and guilt, and not truth, and sometimes they are said only to hurt or manipulate. With that thought I have chose to let go, and move forward, instead of being anchored in the past.

Thanks for reading the rant, self exploration, working through of thoughts. God Bless and Have a great day!

The Best kind of Love!!

So yesterday was the best and Longest kind of day! The kind of day where you wait for someone very special to you to begin the journey into motherhood. Knowing that her experience will be unique, and amazing as it ends with her falling in love for the very first time, the love that is up until that very moment unmatched by anything else in the living world... The Birth of the very first baby.

My Nephew met his ex-girlfriend, and they became pregnant fairly quickly, and they struggled quite a bit trying to get to know one another, and prepare for parenthood. Everyone as you can imagine has an opinion. I hope and pray that one day they are able to work it through, that they are able to be together, however their relationship is not what this post is about.

Katelynne was accepted as my niece from the very day I met her, shy and quiet. It is tough when someone is brought into a family, and you begin to care for them, and the relationship ends, I personally do not feel like because they broke up, I should have to break up with her, a break in that closeness would not only affect her and I, but my children who both love and adore her, and now the relationship and closeness that I will have with my baby great niece. Some family find it difficult to process, and get angry because I "take Katelynne's side" But if they thought about life logically, I am on BOTH sides, I Love both Katelynne and Kelly, but right is right and wrong is wrong, and that is where I place my vote, see all of this in the last 3 months has not been about Katelynne or Kelly, it has been about them making the choices that would be in the best interest of their daughter... And my advice reflected that, regardless of who it seemed to favor... I just wish I had, had some member in our family close enough to tell me things too, because then perhaps I wouldn't have gone through many of the mistakes that a young person makes stumbling through life alone... mistakes that were learned from, but never let go of as for points of passing judgement for family, even when you have grown up and said family has not been a part of your life for more than a half an hour visit once every 6 months. Again, this story is not so much of they family dynamic as far as my siblings and I or their imported spouses.

The story is of the miracle of Birth, and it's sacredness, it's proof that life will continue, and that there is indeed a heaven, something far greater than we all are, and should be a reminder that life is a wonderful and amazing gift, and no matter what path this tiny person chooses to venture throughout her life, she is a special and amazing being, sent here from heaven to bless us, to remind us, and at no time in her life should she ever have to worry about negativity, or hate, never should she ever through any mistakes that she will inevitably make in her lifetime be judged or made to feel as less than... She encompasses a truth that should carry her through her life not just while she is little. Welcome to the World My Precious little Great-Niece Karissa May Sherwood.... Jan 2/2012 @11:23 pm 7lbs 2oz, 19 inches long! May God be with you and with your Beautiful Momma Katelynne and your Proud Daddy Kelly, as they explore what your life means to them and how they will be towards one another. Whether together or apart You are Loved dearly by both of them and all your crazy family!

New Hope, New Year......Resolutions?!?!?!

Well another New Year is here and you know people are always so excited so filled with hope for what a New Year can bring, everyone always vows to quit smoking, to quit drinking, to find love, to focus more on the family, to eat healthier, to loose weight and any number of other random things. Really I think that is where we all go wrong, we set ourselves up for failure by assuming just because it is a New Year we are going to be anymore successful in accomplishing that which we have struggled with for years, that which we have put off trying to fix until the New Year. Now I don't mean to sound Pessimistic, I am a realist, the likelihood of being successful in any of these New Years Resolutions is pretty slim.
I could sit here and say I would love to blog more, and now that it is a New Year I am going to focus and blog more, in reality, life happens and though I may desire to take the time and blog more, I might not. I also need to loose weight, quit smoking, eat healthier, get better at keeping books and finish the house renovations...in time all of that will happen, But for this year, this New Year my focus is going to be on me, how do I become someone better than I was not just yesterday, but last year (the coincidence is that yesterday was last year, but you know what I mean) Before I can be successful at leading a healthier lifestyle, being a better friend, achieving goals, I have to first look to myself and see what I need help with, what I am missing in my soul that prevents me from success. So that will be my focus, not my resolution, but my focus for this year. I plan to check out the courses and classes offered about parenting, about self esteem, anything that is really out there that will facilitate a healthy self esteem, and continue to support my efforts to be the best parent I can possibly be to my amazing children. (And My children are pretty amazing)
Part of this self reflection is going to involve a commitment, both from me and the women in my life to meet once a month, just us girls, to visit, to chat to have a good time over coffee and a meal to reconnect with ourselves as women. I am on a search within myself to define in an ever changing world, what it means to be a woman. With that role so confused by societal expectations, necessary family structure changes, and an overall lack of knowledge of what to do with "free time" because it is so rare now-a-days that as women we usually spend it doing something for others, or family cleaning, or groceries etc. We as women don't even generally know how to spend money on themselves, unless out of necessity, without feeling guilty. So this is my focus for the year, to better myself, to figure out life for me, so I can be better at the things that I do, the other roles I have so I can learn more about what it means to be me, to take some time for me to do the things I like to do. That is a big thing to model for my children as well, so they can be in touch with their needs and likes in this world as well, so when they grow up they don't feel like part of them is missing as well, without any idea of how to find what is missing.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope to blog again soon ;)

Kenya

Today I cried when I saw this picture of my son in Kenya sitting with a little boy from the Nairobi Childrens Home. My Heart aches for the children that reside there, and their terrible terrible stories. My heart also aches for my son. He LOVES kids and is very gifted in relating to and caring for them. He looked so happy to be there with those kids, to have the opportunity to share in their lives so that they may if even for only a day feel the love of another human being who took the time to care but in his face was the look of his heart being ripped out at the realization of what these children had and were going through and in his 16 year old mind, and being from a Country where the worst possible thing is your parents not buying you a treat when you go out shopping, or having to take the garbage out or do the dishes, I imagine it was horrific to hear the stories of these children and see them alone with no one to love and guide them as we and the many trusted people do for him and his siblings.
So today I thank God for the realization, and I pray he put peace in my son's heart, Understanding in his mind, and continue to grow love in his soul!

Children grow up too fast!

So I have been sitting here most of the summer holiday thus far recollecting memories of past summers, you know when the kids were smaller, and we spent the summer together. Though the last time was just last year it feels like it was a million light years away.

My oldest is now 16, and while most kids are working or just spending time away with friends and extended family, my son is in Kenya doing Missions work. It is an amazing opportunity for him. A life fulfilling experience. I miss him so much with all of my heart though. I cannot believe that I have raised a child that in only one more short year will be ready to venture out in this world on his own as an adult male. I would question if I have taught him everything he needs to know, if I have fully prepared him for life as an adult, but I already know the answer is yes.

YES, I have done my work as a parent, I have stepped up to mend the broken hearts, taught the proper morals and values, stayed up late helping with the forgotten last minute remembered assignments. I have taken the time and put in the effort, I have set the examples, and I have showed him my mistakes and apologised when I needed to. I am his mom, his friend and I have humanized myself to him as much as possible.

Now I have to work with myself to let him have what else he needs, the room to discover where his own dreams can take him. I have to be able to step back, watching from outside the life that I so carefully helped to create for him, and let him put to use all that he has learned, all his hopes and his dreams. It is time for him to create the life that he wants to have.

Everyone said that it is tough and need a break from kids when they are little. A time where the late nights seem like they are never going to end, when the struggle to end the tantrums seems insurmountable, but let me share with you that through my parenting journey, NOTHING has been as difficult as trying to hold on but learning to let go all at the same time. Watching while your baby becomes what they want to become, ventures out into the big bad world, wanting to shelter them, wanting to keep it safe for them, but knowing you have to step back be there when they need you, but let them make their choices and mistakes so that they can continue to grow and learn for themselves.