The Biggest Hearache

Sometimes in life no matter how hard you try, or how good you are it just isn't enough. Especially when it comes to parenting. The insufferable pain that comes with a wayward child, who takes every peice of your soul and heart and brings it crashing to the ground, every hope, every single dream that you had. No matter what ways you were available, no matter what precautions you took, it just wasn't enough to prevent them from taking their own life into their hands and running thinking they had more answers, better answers, and a law that supported them 100% to be on their own calling the shots for thier life before they really even know what life is.
How do you get past the biggest heartache you have ever felt in your life? It is a struggle that I am going to have to learn, but for right now the pain is just to great, the hurt too deep. I don't know that it is something I will ever be able to make it through, it is a relationship that I feel may just forever be broken. I don't know at this point that I will ever be able to look at the face of my daughter and ever see anything but the darkness and lies of the pain that she caused.
Every single person felt this pain, as her brothers struggle with sleep, and nightmares, and even tears that have yet to dry through an anger and resentment that may never fade. Her Dad as he struggles to focus on his exams coming up to his interprovincial certification that was to help provide for what is now a broken and fractured family that he and I are left to rebuild instead. The family that was shut out, and denied. Myself, with the bond forever broken between mother and daughter.
It is such a difficult thing to take one step and put it infront of the other... it is so hard to keep the faith that things will ever be okay again and still one can only look forward and not backwards...
There are always people that are quick with their critisism's and their advice, but do they really know? Do they see what wasn't theirs to see, there is no way they can understand that it is the walls we built for protection around our family are the very things that are holding us in and drowning us? There  is definately hurt and pain, such little and meaningless words in comparison to the actual feelings, how can I even begin to explain when the words to this heartache when they have not even been written yet?
How can such a feel create and bring about the worst kind of hate towards someone you gave life to? And why does that feeling have to be counted as inappropriate?
I suppose I am lost, and one day perhaps I will discover some answers, best case in my life, worst in the bottom of my grave, but what I know know is so far beyond any hurt and anger that could ever be expressed with the limits of our vocaubulary.

Just random thoughts from a lost soul... thanks for listening...