I am not who I used to be

So I have been thinking a lot lately about the dynamic of past vs. present and how people view someone. Largely this is because of family issues that have concerned me for years, that now by the age of 35 I am finally starting to think logically about, and then shake my head and no longer let it affect my soul, no longer let it impact my future.

Really people who choose to judge me on my past and not take the time to know me for who I am in the present, do they belong in my life? Do they deserve the time that I give them in thought? Why does their ignorance have to become my problem, especially when I have amazing and wonderful people in my life who do know me, and do love me for the me that I am today?

I have come to realize that teen behaviour is erratic and irrational, and most times teenagers don't give forethought to their actions at least in the way in which their actions and words may affect another person. This teen behaviour also extends into the getting to know who you are in your early 20's and thinking you have life all figured out by 25 only to turn 30 and realize you have finally reached a point where you are Somewhat an adult.... Of course there are always exceptions to every rule, especially because our experiences through life and how we are taught and learn how to handle those experiences shape the person, the type of adult we will become.

As a teenager, I went through my fair share of fights and distancing from my parents, had a baby 2 months before my 18th Birthday, I wanted so much to be an 'adult' and was really no different in the treatment of my parents and others around me than any other teenager really, yet at 19 I lost my dad, we had been fighting a lot, I said some very mean things to him, and he died. The guilt that I had was insurmountable for years, until I had a very wise 80 year old professor at University who helped me work through the events around my dad's death. The adults in my world who were meant to have stepped in and help me through this were waded down with their own grief because he was their dad as well, however their actions and treatment toward me were wrong because they were the adults, they were my family, and they too had been young and rebellious and had taken their time through their 20's and some even their 30's to understand what their parents were saying had meaning, to make their peace and amends and become close again with our parents. At that stage in my life, I would NEVER get that opportunity with our father.. not ever. I dealt with the aloneness, the guilt the best way I could stumble through, I went to University, I went out and Drank, led a somewhat risky lifestyle for 2 years, yes 2 years. When I went out, I made sure My son had what he needed and I left him safe with my mom, I went to University and Held down a part time Job. I was far from useless and "unfit" as a mother, yet some in this family would have that impression.

Just before my 21st Birthday I gave birth to my daughter, a second beautiful and amazing child, she was my wake up call. I didn't go out all the time anymore, I focused more on school, finished the second semester of University, which was as far as I could go in Swift Current (Which I found out only days before registration for Fall Classes began) So a friend and I drove up to Regina for a meeting to find out we still had a lot of classes to take, and would have to take classes IN Regina. I talked it over with my mom, and we together decided for that time it would be better to drive back and forth to Regina, an stay in the dorms for the next semester during the week, and come home on the weekends and she would Keep Keanu and Chloe. That is what I did, that and worked Safeway on the weekends.

After that year was done, knowing I would have to move to continue going to school, I decided I would try transferring credits and moving to Medicine Hat, I went to get everything all set up, child care, school etc. and when I had everything figured out, My children would join me. 2 months later, I was ready for my kids, but had no way to get them there, I was miserable, I missed them a few other details, long story short I called my very pregnant sister and begged her to come move me home, so I could be with my kids. She did. And I drove to and from Regina for a second semester during the weekdays, staying in Dorms to take my classes, and worked on finding a place to live, getting my drivers licence, becoming more independent... Yes I made mistakes but I learned from them, and now knew what I had to do in order to be successful in moving out on my own.

I found a place through low income housing, I would be able to move into with my kids. I took the time off from my job at 7-11 and Wholesale club to go up and sign the lease, Wholesale wouldn't give me the day off, so I quit there, and took a transfer to another store through 7-11. Again, I chose to leave my children with My mom, so Keanu could finish his semester of grade 1 before moving him, as it is easier to move them at semester break. Then one month before I was to move in to my place I met Darcy and really all the rest is Ce la vie, I moved, came back for my kids and we have been a happy little family ever since, adding Gavin and Reed :)

Looking back on my past I see where there were mistakes made, where growing pains happened, and I also know the mistakes I made, I have learned from them, there are always things even as adults that we do or say (mostly say) that we realize we shouldn't have, however realistically we are human, we err. Does that mean we should be judged a lifetime by what we have done or said... when inevitably we are very different people now than we were last year, or 5 years prior to that, or even 10 years prior to that? I have found no one yet that is today, the person I knew them to be in the past, and the ones that appear to be 'stuck in the past' how much do I really know of their present? Enough to comment on their lives? No...... then I don't, Will I voice my opinion if asked, yes, but pass judgement on who they may or may not be as a human being....No.

I am not really sure why this is what I chose to write about, I don't really owe an explanation to anyone, but it frustrates me to no end hearing someone in my family comment on my parenting ability based on what she doesn't see, based her opinion on my growing into my own, self discovery years, not based on what she sees with her own eyes by spending time with or around me or my children. In fact I am lucky if I see or spend 1/2 hour with this particular family member once in a year! I am not sure why I allowed her hasty words to bother me at all, especially since I have people involved in our lives, either directly or indirectly on a daily basis, telling Darcy or I how good of parents we are, how they wish there were more parents like us, From Doctor's to Teacher's, Principal's, to Pastor's from church, to Pre-school teachers. Maybe I just have to learn to let go of the family drama, from their opinions and realize that sometimes words and judgements are based on jealousy and guilt, and not truth, and sometimes they are said only to hurt or manipulate. With that thought I have chose to let go, and move forward, instead of being anchored in the past.

Thanks for reading the rant, self exploration, working through of thoughts. God Bless and Have a great day!